The MPD finished looking over my last few PCRs and then stood up and shook my hand.

“You’re cut loose. Try not to kill to many people in your first few months.”

He was kidding… but he really wasn’t, if ya know what I mean.

That phrase, “cut loose”, still scares the hell out of me.

Let’s be honest. My paramedic course is far from a “patch factory”, and I finished at the top of the class, but I still feel woefully inadequate when it comes to dealing with complex patients. And I’ve been seeing a bunch of them at the ALS IFT job. My downtime is filled with looking up drugs, researching medical conditions and making notes on scratch paper and photocopying strips so I can buttonhole the doc and ask him about that something strange that I saw on the monitor.

There is still so much to learn. And it never ends.

And that’s pretty damn exciting.

In other news, I start a new full time job as a first out 911 medic tomorrow morning at 0800. Am I a little nervous? You bet. I’m going back to the busy service where I rode my last quarter of paramedic school and while I’ve got an advantage because I know the system and the docs, I’m still a wee bit nervous that I’m gonna screw up, and screw up big.

Luckily, I’ve got 240 hours of preceptor clearance time to work out the kinks and then I’ll be once again cut loose. On my own to sink or swim.

Unfortunately, I had to leave the full time resident position at UNFD to take this full time paramedic slot. All of the places I’ve been interviewing had told me that while volunteering at UNFD was a great thing, they would rather see full time experience in a high volume system. Alright! Ask and ye shall receive! You want me to run a lot of calls? You got it! I miss the fire stuff already, but I’m testing at several departments and with luck, I’ll land one of those coveted career firemedic slots. Fingers crossed.

My personal life is still a mess. I’m trying to get through it, but the holidays are rough. I hear a Christmas song in the mall and just fall apart. I know, it’s tough all over and I hate to write about it, but because you are here as my anonymous reader, I can say things here, in the privacy of blogland, that I just can’t bring myself to say to my friends or family. Frankly, it sucks. I miss my life, I miss my wife and home and dogs and I’d do anything to rewind a year and get it back.

Friends, I really miss the times when I’m able to write here. I miss the opportunity to spill my thoughts out onto a blank screen and I appreciate the comments and positive reinforcement that readers leave. Although, at times I feel like I’m screaming into a phone with no dial tone. Please let me know if you think I should keep doing this. I know I’ve been sporadic as of late, but I also know if anyone reads this, it’ll be motivation to stick with it and keep pouring it out on the keyboard.

Thanks for letting me vent.