I have been having a rough time with stuff lately. All of the changes in my life have been weighing heavily on me and I often feel like I’m on the brink of collapse.

Depression? Me? Nahhhh.

I’m always cheerful. I make my partner laugh and smile. I’m a cut up at the fire station. I joke with patients and the ER staff when I bring someone in. I’m always quick to hop to my feet when someone needs a hand or there’s a job to be done.

But when I’m at home, I find myself simply sitting. Unable to move. Not motivated to put away the clean laundry. Or hang the pictures that are leaning against the wall. Sleeping for 12 hours at a time. Justifying my inactivity by claiming I’m tired from the shift the day before.

Forcing myself to tie my sneakers to go for a run is an hour long process.

I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish my life was really as carefree as I let others believe. I wish I wasn’t so goddamn sad all the time.

Back to work tomorrow. Gotta practice smiling.

It’s been busy.

Had a couple of good calls lately. A multi car MVA with two critical patients. One by helo, one in my rig. I got to RSI, had multiple lines. The typical trauma patient. Helo patient died, mine didn’t. Eh. It goes that way sometimes.

I also ran a code as a solo medic. It was remarkably calm and less of a Charlie Foxtrot than I expected for my first solo code. No ROSC, but a good learning experience nonetheless. Firefighters did a great job with CPR and getting a shock on board before I got there.

I’ve been getting more involved in the fire side of being a fire/medic. I love cutting up cars.

More soon… honest.

Is this thing still on? It’s been ages since I’ve posted, but work has kind of gotten in the way of little things like blogging, sleep and eating. But, I’m still here and if you’d like to hear what’s up, I’ve prepared an update.

You’re still reading? Good.

Okay. So, I’m a medic. I finished medic school with an incredible 4.0 for the curriculum and an overall GPA of 3.89. And that was no small feat. It kicked my ass. As I wrote a few weeks back, ‘What now?” Well, here’s what’s going on.

I just started with a small rural department as a resident FF/PM. I’ll be referring to this department as UNFD (Up North Fire Department) A resident at UNFD is a compensated volunteer that functions exactly like a career firefighter. I work a 48/96 and I am expected to perform all the duties of a FF/PM during my shift. We have a couple of career guys on shift with us and we work side by side with them. I just completed a month of orientation/”mini academy” and will attend the state fire academy this fall. The department already had several guys scheduled to attend the session that starts in August and there wasn’t room for me. I’ll be in the next wave. Do I like working as a fire medic? Well, I have to admit I do. I really enjoy enjoy the brotherhood in the station and frankly, 90% of what we do are either medical calls or MVAs and I feel like I have a good grasp on that stuff. Plus, cutting up cars, climbing ladders, venting a roof and putting out fire is pretty damn cool. I like it.

There is a downside, however. We don’t do many calls. As a matter of fact, on my last 48, we didn’t turn a wheel except to take the medic unit out for driver practice. That blows. I am not going to get a ton of experience at UNFD.

So, on to job #2.

I was just offered a per diem job as a medic at FFAAS (Far Far Away Ambulance Service), the place where I rode as a medic student during my last quarter of school. It’s an awesome place, very busy, great people and lots of trauma. From my experience riding there as a student I know I’ll get a ton of tubes and see some sick people. They actually wanted me to work full time, but I couldn’t juggle the schedule between UNFD and FFAAS and make it work. I’ll be picking up one or two 24 hour shifts there during my 4 days off. That still doesn’t leave a lot of time for sleep, fun, life and whatnot… but I’ll manage. Right now, getting good experience as a medic is much more important.

Other than that, life is pretty good. I was offered a new pair of steel toe duty boots to wear and review and I’ll do that as soon as I get a few more weeks of wear in ‘em. It was fortuitous, as my 5.11s have been MIA since I moved!

Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to congratulate Epi for her fine job of completing paramedic school. Well done kiddo!