That was the text I just got from my preceptor. That’s all she wrote. I knew exactly what she was talking about.
I worked a code on a 12 week old on Saturday. We got pulses back and when we left on Sunday, the kid had been flown to the big children’s hospital.
We were all hoping for a good outcome. And by all, I mean every person working EMS over there. They all head the dispatch. They all heard fire on scene say “CPR in progress”. They heard us transport priority to the ED.
That was my first code as a team leader. It was also my first pedi code.
And yeah, even though we did everything right, it still feels pretty damn bad.
Oh, I haven’t words. As a mother, my heart just fell to my knees. I am more than sure that you did everything possible and then some but,sometimes though,God has other plans. I’m so sorry. Don’t let this stop you from being a good medic.
Much peace to you.
Listen disassociate your self with all cases. In this case it is hard i deal wiht it alot. I turn to the book of psalms in the bible, so i can pray for myself and the family. God gave you a gife of being able to save lives so just remember when you loose one there is one out there that needs your gift. This child is now gods angel, I can promise that
On my first (and still only) pediatric fatality, I couldn’t cope for a couple of days. I broke down multiple times over those two days.
What you’re feeling is normal, and, in my opinion, any good EMS provider should be feeling remorse with something like this. Not that you did anything wrong, but that the situation in simply a sad one.
For me it was helpful to talk with co-workers and to take those two days (after I finally got off shift) and allow myself to grieve. I hope you find the peace you need and I wish you the best of luck.
Pedi codes are definitely harder than most. MY first one was 5months after I became a medic. Everything went so fast, and we did everything per protocol and everything right, but unfortunately she didn’t make it. I still can picture everything about that day. I got to the ER and turned care over to the Dr’s and nurses, then once I got into the EMS room I lost it. Cried my eyes out. It’s good knowing that it bothers you, because it means you genuinely care. If you felt nothing, that is when its bad. Keep your head up, you did everything you are physically capable of doing.
There are no words, M22.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your crew, as well as with that tiny angel and their family.
You know how to find me if you need to talk.
I know that the knowledge that you did all that you could is sometimes not much comfort. I have been there. If your company offers Critical Incident Stress Debriefing, I would highly recommend it for you, your crew, and everyone else involved in that child’s care. Don’t be afraid to talk about it, but don’t let it become the ONLY thing you talk about. Thoughts and prayers are heading your way.
I’m sorry for the loss of this young life. Send a card. You’ll be amazed how you will feel after you acknowledge your own grief, and allow the family to know you are mourning with them. Perhaps they NEED to have someone reach out.
I have been a medic for 10 years. I am critical care certified, and when I left to stay home with my son full time I was a supervisor. I’ve worked 5 pediatric code in my career. I can close my eyes and remember every single one of them as if it was yesterday.
I did not know that March 28, 2009, I would know this pain from the other side. My 2 year old son presented with a fever at 3pm the day before. I alternated tylenol and ibuprofen, did the bath tub thing. We had a rough time during the night, he vomited a couple of times and continued to run a fever. In the morning I took him into see our ped. who diagnosed him with a “virus” and sent us home. Two hours later my gut told me something was not right and my husband and I put him in the car and headed towards the hospital. He went unresponsive and coded 2 miles down the road. Fire was on scene quickly, I can only imagine what the medic felt like when I looked at him while doing CPR and said “I’m a medic”. He was transported immediately and pronounced dead in the ER.
One of the most horrific things about that day is the way we were treated by the staff in the ER. We were treated as if we were guilty of doing something to our child. The EMS crew was phenomenal, and came into the room to sit with us after we were told he was gone. (I had never met this medic or crew before as I had worked in the county south of us).
Two days later we found out that Ethan died of a volvulus of the caecum. The medical examiner said he should’ve presented with severe abdominal pain. Not only did the ped palpate his abdomen in the office that morning, but I had palpated it probably 100 times and he never showed any signs of pain. His autopsy was preformed by one of the best pediatric pathologists in the country, and we have no explanation as to why he did not present with abdominal pain.
I am not sure that I will ever return to the road. I would LOVE to someday share my experience with grief as a medic and mother with other EMS providers though…maybe a presentation at a conference or just speaking to a paramedic or EMT class. I have learned a lot about grief and how to not only help yourself as a provider, but also now how to help a family. I do not want any family to ever be treated the way we were in the ER that day. I know God had other plans for my angel and for me. I can’t change what has happened, but maybe I will be able to use my experience to help others.
My thoughts and deepest prayers are with the crew and family.
These calls suck. They always will. I wish I had words of wisdom that would make them easier but all I can tell you is that you do your best, it’s all you can offer to your patients. As much as we would like to, we cannot guarantee a good outcome. These calls leave emotional scars that are with us for the rest of our lives. If we let them they can drive us into emotional places we really shouldn’t go if we let them.
What advice I can give is to:
a) send a card to the family, don’t apologize but know that they are in your thoughts
b) talk with some of your more experienced colleagues, vent, get advice on how to cope
c) get some professional help be it individually or as part of a CISD program. Even just one session can help you develop coping strategies that will be with you for the rest of your life
d) recognize the good that you did, if nothing else you gave the family a chance to say good bye to a warm, living, breathing baby and I’m sure this means a lot to them
e) stay physically active, it helps to keep you sharp and helps you not to only focus on the bad things that happen
f) be honest with yourself, if you need to be emotional let it happen with people you trust, pretending your emotions don’t exist is destructive
That’s the best advice I can give other than to remind you that you are not alone. Stay strong and know that you aren’t alone in being bothered by these calls.
The MacMedic
http://www.themacmedic.org
My first ped code happened only 5 weeks into my fire career. I was completely green and first on scene. They were yelling for things i had never heard of. I found our ped bag, and i found the suction machine. But I had no clue what a BVM was. They said it was a whoopie cushion looking thing. The baby was only 9 months old and at first I couldnt figure out why they were doing CPR on this babydoll. The situation was much worse than I can tell here. I took my grief and used it to get thru EMT class, which i was not planning on taking. There were many days I did not want to go to class, but the picture of that baby that was saved as a background on my computer always made me go just one more day. Now I have been an EMT-B for almost a year and I have got to say that it is one of the most rewarding things I could ever do in life other than being a parent. My point is, you can either let something like this destroy you, or you can use it to better yourself. It is the one thing you do have control of after things like this happen. Some people just can’t handle the possibility that this situation will come up again, and they go on with their lives elsewhere, and that is fine too. Just make sure you follow your heart in where you will go in life from here out.
My first and only Pedi code was a 9 yo who was shot in the head. We were 25 minutes from the hospital with a helicopter on the way. We worked as calmly and quickly as we could, following our protocols, but you still feel like your making mistakes and fighting a losing battle. I felt let down by myself at first, like all the training I had was supposed to fix the situation and anything but a positive outcome was directly my fault. The child died at the hospital. Rebecca, there are no words, but when and if you are ready, I think talking to others in some type of lecture format would be a blessing to the EMS community. As you well know, we always learn best from those who have first hand experience.
If the people around you get tired of “listening to it” then find someone else who will listen. When we had two motorcyclists fly off their bike after being hit by a car and smash into our van, I was so traumatized. My husband was there and saw the whole thing as well, but the motorcycle driver locked eyes with mine as he flew threw the air. Whem I imagine that “thump” I still feel nauseaous two years later. When everyone around me stopped wanting to listen to me talk about it I just clammed up. Six months later I wound up in a day program at a local psychiataric hospital for two weeks, the result of stress due to unresolved PTSD. I realize now that if I felt I needed to talk about it, I should’ve been talking about it!
Wow….Iguess you know you aren’t alone! Here is a pretty good article- http://theemtspot.com/2010/01/05/just-transport-the-baby/ and also check this out http://theemtspot.com/2009/05/19/coping-with-grief-and-tragedy/
It is a difficult job we are asked to do, we get the privelege of stepping into people’s pain and the worst days of their lives and try to use our knowledge and training to make a difference, but the truth is that it isn’t always in our control to do so. So many times we wish things would turn out diffrerently, only to be disappointed. It isn’t our fault, it is the way the world works. Just do your best, train!, train!, train!, cry when you have to and find healthy ways of dealing with the stress. Too many fire and ems responders I know self-destruct because of the job, it doesn’t have to happen. BTW my comments in that first article are under the name of “BeenThere”….I think it is still the last comment. Prayers for you and your crew.